You only hold me up like this, cuz you don't know who I really am.

So i figured out today that that little motherfucker chris kingston told my girlthat he loved her. I know that shes never said anything back to him or whatever but for some reason it realy fucking pisses me off. Everyone here knows not to mess with ehr that shes full of herself or whatever but that she really is mine. You could ask anyone here who she knows and they know that we belong tgoether. whos this stupid fucker? OKay, now that I've gotten that off my chest. All I know is that she has to choose right now who she loves. Right now. And I wont be my understanding self anymore. Im tired of always being there for her and always protecting her but never getting anything back. if she loves me, shell leave these other fuckers alone. God IM SO PISSED.

I leave to go to florida in about 2 weeks. I'm psyched but I won't be gone for that long so that's good too. I don't want to miss the big day when Goldie finally moves out of the town she's hated for so long. And itll be good for me and K too since shes like a ghost in our lives. Its funny how she goest after gys that she knows she cant ever have like this new guy shes seeing. Hes too old for her and she knows it so of course she likes him better than me. And she thinks that Im chasing after all these girls when really Ive asked her back too many times. Shes just scared of me anyway because she knows she loves me more than any of the other losers shes ever eyed. Whatever. She can do what she wants but when I leave shes gonna miss me. Its gonna be so awesome grinding out the waves every day. The waves here are too unpredictable and too small. Too choppy for longboarding too small for shortboarding.

I kinda forgot that I had this thing. But I figure now its a good way to to get stuff off my mind and everything and get messages to my friends and stuff. Even though we all know hafl of them cant read but its cool. ;-) So anyway, things have been crazy around here. Next week i entered myself in swsm (surf week scout magazine), and hopefully i'll win shortboard against all those losers from california that think they've got something on me. I also entered longboard, but the waves haven't been really good for that so I haven't really got a lot of practice in. Not to mention that I've been spending most of my time with K and Goldie since Goldie and I broke up. Talk about hell!! Don't evern break up with a girl if you arent sure its what you want to do. Because now Im really pissed that I told her I wanted a break, which is werid since she was the first one who suggested it in the first place. But she just likes to be the person in control so if somethings not her idea she freaks out about it. So now we're in this really strange position where we know that we want to be friends, but we arent sure if we want to be "just friends' or whatever. Well I know what I want...but she cant ever decide. K, John, David, and LL went over to her house this afternoon for crabs. Soooo good. Im like the only surfer I know who likes seafood, but crabs are the best!!!!!

Anyway Ive been thinking about what I want to do once school starts and Goldies gone and K might be gone too. I have to be somewhere where theres a beach, but I really want to be close to Goldie. She thinks that shes just gonna leave me and K all alone when she goes to college, but Im seriously thining about moving with her. Theres nothing here to hold me back and its not like I cant take classes in W-S. Id love to go, but that means Id have to sell my apartment, etc, and thats such a hassle. But seriously Id do it in hearbeat if she asked me to. But she wont ask me to so we should just move on.

My parents are driving me fucking crazy!!!! My mother swears that shes going to get me to move back into their house this year, but my dad leaves me well enough alone because he knows thats an impossibility. Ive been supporting myself since I was sixteen years old and I plan on supporting myself until I die. Right now Im mostly getting my money from surfing, but I have a job at Hot Wax, and if I ever need more money I can just increase my hours. But I really want to take classes next year and find out what else Im good at because I know that when Im forty-five years old Im probably not going to be supporting a family from surfing funds. Ill keep this shit up though as long as I need to. The board is my life. I actually just ordered a new shortboard off Burts website, and I cant wait for it to come in. Its got awesome track and I want to see if I can wear it in before the big competition in August down in Florida.

Guess Id better sleep-tomorrow going to the beach with K, might see Goldie.
Peace out,

Dusty

To Goldie:

I've left about fifteen messages on your phone, where are you? I heard all about what happened downtown, you don't have to pretend that it didn't happen at all. No one has talked to you in awhile-I was forced to call Cam (something, you know I hate doing) and asking her where you were. She said she couldn't give me any details, but that you were with her. Which means that you are drinking and partying down at the soapbox and ignoring every male in existance. I know that's what you like to do when things get hard. Trust me, I've known you for so long do you think there's actually things I DONT know?

I don't really know what to say. You've been begging me to leave again-maybe we should just go and never come back. But wouldn't you and Kaleb miss each other? I'd know I'd miss him. And I know that you would miss him too. You act as if the world was made to fit in your pocket. Shit sometimes you just piss me off. I ALSO heard that you and Chris met up. Great. Good for you. I hoped you liked it. And I hope its over and we can get on with our lives. God the whole fucking world is like a soap opera to you. Is that what you want? You like traveling because you can get away. But you make your own niche. You know what I'm saying? You make things twice as bad for yourself. You don't have to be so goddam passionate about everything, all the time. Not everything has to have a reason behind it. Not everything is deep and challenging and meaningful. Not everything is a sign and an omen for Christ's sakes.

Just call me when you've finished your binge. It'll pass soon and you'll come down like a stone. I'm waiting for that moment when I can catch you alone in your room with you reading like you're supposed to be doing. I'll be looking for that smile. Don't give up on us yet, Goldilocks.

Kaleb says he's sorry. I'm sure you've gotten his messages back, too, we're just waiting for you to answer them.

I love you, Dusty

My two favorite people in the world aren't talking to each other. Which isn't anything different since they're always fighting about something juvenile. I'm sure Taryn probably started it. She feels threatned by the fact that Kaleb has this girlfriend, and he isn't fawning over her anymore. She might be my girlfriend and he might be my best friend, but I know them well enough to understand them. He's always loved her, which is fine, because I trust him. And she's never felt the same way, but can't live without him near, which is fine too. They've been through a lot together and I would never deprive them of each other.

But they forget that when they fight, they are making life miserable for a lot of people, not just themselves. Because now I have to go through the routine of trying to get them back together. And it takes long hours and heartbreak from both of them, and frankly-tons and tons of bitching. But they won't grow out of their fights because both of them live off of their argument. I only wish they'd think of me once in awhile, instead of just keeping it up. But I know they won't.

And I went over to Taryn's house today (she's on mindsay, by the way. FamousLovely.). She was thinking to herself, as usual. Reading, as usual. I watched her for a couple of seconds before I went into her room because she looks so beautiful when she's reading. Her eyes are always lit up, and she keeps a private smile on her lips when she's reading. It makes me want to touch her face. I'm off topic. We had a discussion about what our next move in life is. What do we want next? And we couldn't really answer each other, which was fine. It was the talking that mattered.

And then I found out about her little argument with Kaleb. And I want to kill them both. But not as much as I want to kill that bastard Chris who keeps leaving her voicemails. I mean I'm sure he's a good guy and all. But come on. It's crazy. She won't ever like him. And she only loves me. I can see it every time she kisses me. She never used to kiss Kaleb like that. She never used to kiss anyone like that. We were made for each other.

That's right. Sorry Kaleb and Chris. But seriously, Kaleb. Make up with her. I'm tired of this shit.